Hospice

I was tired of waiting for the nurse from the neurologist office to call me with information for Hospice/palliative care so I researched it myself and called a hospice/palliative care place asking for info they immediately sent out a nurse and a social worker to help our family live with this disease. The nurse came out and explained everything to us and she stated that they are here to help us I was a little worried at first because they say that hospice is the end of life care that scared me a little bit but when she explained it to me she said that it is for people like Jaren that have a terminal illness and there is no treatment for it. The social worker came out yesterday and talked with us about different things that might be worth checking into for some resources in the community, not only that but she stated that she would do the calling for me so that I don't have to get so discouraged, what a relief that is for me. A different nurse came out yesterday because our nurse is on vacation and she was asking Jaren some questions I left the room and he told her some things about his pains and things that I had no idea about. He was having a lot of pain in his leg yesterday and he rated it a 10 on the pain scale I had no clue he was in that much pain, she stated that she was going to call the doctor and get him something stronger for pain. He also told her that he is having a harder time walking and she asked him if he would like a cain and he said "yes" I had no clue he was feeling like that, I think he is trying to keep me sheilded from how he is really in that much pain. I guess I will leave the room everytime they come over but stay close so that I can hear everything that is going on.

Post Vacation

We have been home from vacation now for a week and a half and I can't seem to shake the depression. I have no motivation to do anything, my house is a mess and I don't really care I thought it was from exhaustion from being away from home but I can't get that crappy feeling away. It probably has something to do with the fact that I am not working and that I am the provider of our home it has been a great thing for the kids for me not working but very wearing on me.

I have been thinking a lot lately about how really alone I am when parents are divorced they can call the other spouse and ask them to do help run kids around to soccer, to baseball, to dance, to piano, to anything really but I don't have that luxury, please be thankful for the chance to be able to have help with the kids sports and everything that they are involved in and know that even if you don't like it please say thank you to your significant other or your ex for helping out!!

I am hoping for a great week this week and hoping that I can shake this feeling of no motivation and get in gear and get things done this week

Reflections

I have had a lot of time to think about things these last couple weeks. We had the opportunity to go on vacation up to Washington State to see my brother and his family. I have been thinking a lot about how hard it is to travel with Jaren when we are home the neighbors can come and take him out or I can go with someone even if it is only for an hour but when you go on vacation I was with him 24/7 with no breaks it got overwhelming, we took a trip to Seattle for a day and it stressed me out big time. First of all there were a ton of people at the market place and on top of that I didn't want to lose Jaren or the kids it was stressful but very fun a lot of cool shops that sell things their fruit there is AMAZING. Washington is a very pretty state very green. They live on a navy town in Washington and was walking distance to the ocean it was so cool seashells everywhere. We were able to walk down to the ocean on the 4th of July and see all of the fireworks, it was cool to see them over the ocean water.

My brother and his wife went through the LDS temple for the first time and all of the members of my family that were able to be there came and it was really fun, they also had some long time friends that traveled up to Washington to be with them on their very special day. They were also able to be sealed together for eternity to each other and to their adorable children. I did a lot of thinking while we were at the temple, I was wishing that I went to the temple more with Jaren because now he isn't able to go and I have to go by myself it was kind of difficult to see the others being able to enjoy the company of their spouse in the temple. I also had time to think about what it means to me that Jaren and I were sealed when we were married so we will be together for eternity and whatever happens to him I know that I will see him again. In Utah we take for granted the fact that we can walk to church and be there in 5 minutes, or 5 minutes driving to the temple. In Washington we had to drive an hour and 30 minutes to get to the temple and 30 minutes to even get to a church house.

I am so grateful for the opportunity that we had to go see them. I miss them a lot. I am so grateful that we were able to stay at their house with them and everything that they helped us with while we were there, and to my awesome parents that let us ride with them so we didn't have to spend all our money on gas! Thanks mom and Dad.

I enjoyed seeing my little brother and his wife and how much they have grown since they have had to live away from family and friends. Their little boys are growing so much and they are learning a lot. It is really amazing to see how much they have grown spiritually since they have been away. I hope we will get to go back some day to see them again.

I also thought it was really cool to be so close to military base around the 4th of July, and how appreciative people are for the wifes of military men for allowing their husbands to go out and be gone for months at a time to fight for our freedoms, and how patriotic the city was, and how thankful they were for the men and women that fight for our country.