Please, I need some motivation

I have no motivation lately, I went to the Dr. the other day for the major anxiety I have been having and he added 2.5mg of Zyprexa to my other medication I have taken it for two nights now and the first night I could not get out of bed all of the kids were late for school but not by much, I slept right through my alarm.  Today I was able to get up but I didn't want to, I need some motivation I don't feel like doing anything at all especially when I get home from work, I don't even want to cook dinner I feel bad because I get really irritated with the kids and I try not to get ornery but sometimes I just can't help it, I went to play volleyball last night with the women in my ward to see if I just needed a break but I still didn't feel any better I just wanted to go home and do nothing.  I didn't really realize what panic attacks were until I went to the Dr. and I am having panic attacks, I can't breathe my heart starts racing, I get dizzy, and shaky and I always feel on edge lately, I sometimes have high blood pressure and normally I can control it without medication although I have been on meds before for it but it was sky high the other day 152/100 the dr said that high blood pressure is another sign of anxiety, the problem is though is I have no idea why I am so anxious I have never had it this bad before, I was even crying the other day at work secretly and not bad enough that my eyes were swollen and red but I had tears in my eyes.  What is the deal? it could be a number of things- 1) My husband is slowly dying, 2)Braxton fights me to go to school, 3) I am a married but not really, 4) I started work a couple of weeks ago, 5)my kids are all growing up and I can't stop it, 6) my blood pressure is high 7)I can't keep up on house work, 8) I have no motivation to do anything lately, 9)I JUST CAN'T DO IT ALL anymore I am tired and worn out.  Hopefully this weekend will help me find the motivation fairy and I will be back on track again next week, I have a girls night planned tonight with some friends from the insurance office I used to work for and nothing else planned this whole weekend and we only have one soccer game to go to and one piano federation to go to but they are in the morning so I can actually get some things done and caught up.  If anyone knows where the motivation fairy is staying could you please send it my way?

Back in School.......Jaren's Bday

The kids finally went back to school and so far they like it when they get there but Braxton has been freaking out everyday before school, I can't handle the crying every morning and the fake sick and lies about why he doesn't want to go to school, I went in to the school yesterday and talked with the counselor and told her that I can NOT take the hassle of getting him to go to school whatever she said to him worked yesterday because he went to school today WITHOUT a fight at all!! yeah!! Ashlyn has been doing pretty well she likes her teacher and she has lots of friends in her class, but she comes home and throws fits so I have one crying all morning and one crying all afternoon after school.  My anxiety level is so high I can't even stand it, I try to take time to calm down but then I think of all the other things I have to get done that I can't relax.  I have a hard time keeping up with work and homework and kids and caregiving and trying keep family as normal as possible in our situation and keeping up with housework and taking the kids to soccer, and feeding all of us I just can't do it all, I am trying my hardest to keep us all going but my mind races 100 miles an hour and then just when I think I can take a break I look around and see a million other things I have to get done.  I am a little bit of a downer today but I really can't be positive when I am feeling this way.

I will try to get a little happier now Jaren celebrated his 37th birthday and I can't believe another year has gone by, he didn't want a party this year because it causes to much anxiety for him and he gets ornery he wanted to just hang out with his friend Noel so we went to dinner with them and their daughter and with our kids and it was delicious, we splurged and went to The Old Spaghetti Factory because the two younger kids had a free kids meal from school! after dinner we came back to our house and had German Chocolate cake that is his favorite kind.  I am so thankful that he has made it another year we have had many, many, many, many new challenges since his last bday but we made it through.  We were able to just enjoy the day with some good friends and family. 

RaKelle loves middle school.  She went to her first school dance and she loved it I thought for sure she would come home and say that she was never going to go back but she came home and said that she was definantly going again next year.  I asked her if she slow danced with anyone and she looked and me with the most disgusting face and said "eeeewwww no that is gross" so I don't have to worry about boys with her yet one less stress for now!! she is doing so good in all of her classes they print out her grades every week and they have what they call pride time and if their grades are all above a C they get to do a fun activity, if they have any C's or lower they have to go to a classroom and make up all their missing work, she has not had anything below and A- and she only got 1 A- the rest are A's I am so proud of her she is doing so well.  I never have to fight her to go to school which is really nice.