new year challenges

The new year is here and it is going so fast.  I feel like I can't keep up with everything.  My birthday was on the 14th and they took me to dinner and then we didn't do anything else it was really, really nice, lately I haven't wanted to do anything I just want to stay home and do nothing.  That never happens so when I get the chance to do nothing I enjoy it.

I was supposed to have a meeting through the Alzheimer's Association with my stake president and all the bishops and their counselors to raise awareness about memory impaired and to hopefully start a support group in my community.  I had prepared for it for a few months and I was ready, they called and changed it on me.  It was a little frustrating because I had to prepare mentally, physically, and emotionally, and I had my kids write things down about what it is like to live with their dad who has memory problems and acts like a child.  It was very hard to read them and it opened my eyes a little bit to the fact that they are seeing the decline in his personality and other things like that. I don't know if you can read them but I thought it makes it more real when it is in their handwriting.  Hopefully when I do have the meeting it will open many eyes to the fact that it affects the entire family.  I tried to make them as readable as possible.

RaKelle's letter she is 13

Ashlyn's letter she is 11

Braxton's letter he is 8

It is affecting my kids at school, RaKelle is not doing very well her grades are suffering bad, Ashlyn just keeps worrying about everything, someone gets a stomach ache and she cries because she gets worried and clings to me like no other.  I finally had to take Braxton in to the doctor for anxiety because he doesn't want to go to school, he doesn't want to go to any friends house, he doesn't even want to go anywhere with me but he also doesn't want me to go anywhere either it is getting frustrating.  I hope that the medicine they put him on will work because I don't know if I can take the stomach aches and the crying much longer.  

All Jaren wants to do lately is sleep the other day I came home from work and he was in bed and said he had been there all day, and then he wanted to sleep more.  He is so confused about things it gets irritating.  He can't remember how to play all the games that he plays and then he loses everything, when I come home from work he has the tv on with a Wii game and the DS by him and he tries to play all of them at once but they are not even close to the same game so he gets frustrated.  I am so thankful for the opportunity I had of taking care of him but it is starting to take its toll on me.  I am so thankful for the things I have learned from being a caregiver and I am thankful for the great kids I have and that they are turning out to be sympathetic and loving to people. I am thankful for the great people that have helped me through these trials.

I don't want to sound greedy but I want a "normal" life, I want to have a "normal" marriage I want to be able to talk to my spouse like I used to, I want to be able to tell him something and not have him ask so many questions and then forget everything that we just talked about.  I want to be able to have my spouse sleep in the same room with me, I want to be able to hand over the kids grades and have someone else take care of it, and someone to help me discipline the kids when they are not behaving.  I want to be able to sit with my whole family at church, and not be treated different because my husband is not like other priesthood holders and he can't do things that most of them can.  I want to be able to go to work and not have to worry that the kids are stressed out at school not being able to concentrate at school, and I want a spouse that can work and that when we come home from work we can talk about what happened and things like that.