Sorry it has been so long!

This year has gone so fast.  I can't believe the summer is over and it is time for school to start again.  I have been very busy this summer.  I was done working at the elementary school in April I was a little freaked out at first because I depend on those paychecks, but I am also a crossing guard for the City of West Jordan and I was able to do a crossing for the free school breakfast/lunch program over the summer which was so helpful and I know that my prayers were answered the day I got that phone call.  It was really, really hot some days but so worth it.  Sometimes my kids would come with me sometimes they all came at once and sometimes one at a time, it was really great to spend that time with them.

A week after RaKelle turned 16 she  was able to sing the National Anthem at the Western Stampede Rodeo, she did amazing and she was not even nervous I think I had all of her nerves for her I was so nervous.  She amazes me everyday, she was able to sit up in the boxed seats with the people in charge and was able to take Braxton and her cousin Amaia up there with her.  It was a really fun night, almost my entire family was there to support her and it was awesome.  I sat down next to Jaren when she was done and asked him if he liked and he started crying.  I was so thankful that he was able to see RaKelle achieve one of her many dreams come true.  I tried to attach a video of her singing I hope it worked.

RaKelle finally turned 16 yay!!! and she is loving it.  She is working 2 different jobs and loves them and loves having her own money.  I can't wait until she finally gets her license so she can drive herself to work, but it is really nice to hand her the keys and say I will sit in the passenger seat and just enjoy being a passenger.  She will be starting her junior year on Monday and she has some really good classes.  She has had a rough summer, she has had some friends that were not happy with themselves this summer and one of them was wanting to take his life and he had called her thinking it was someone else and she started crying hysterically and I have a very open relationship with her so I knew that things were not good with this person so I immediately called dispatch and talked with someone and they were able to find him and get him to safety.  It was not a fun couple hours I knew I had to do something because I didn't know if I could handle her feeling guilty if this person took his life and I didn't do anything to help, she would tell me over and over I am so glad that he called me instead of who he was trying to get a hold of.  I was talking to dispatch and she was talking to him, she actually heard from him and he is doing much better.  I am so thankful that I listened to my instincts and called someone to potentially save his life.  She told me over and over that she thinks that other people would have just brushed it off and just chalked it up to him wanting attention.  It was a stressful day for all of us, Ashlyn and Braxton were terrified because they have never seen her cry like that especially in a public place.

Ashlyn is starting 9th grade this year and is very excited.  She loves school, she has been a little worried because her band teacher that is the BEST teacher ever that taught me how to play the flute when I was her age retired this year and there is a new teacher coming in.  She has some fun classes and I think she will enjoy 9th grade.

Braxton will be in 6th grade this year and this will be the last year that I will have kids in elementary school it is kind of sad and a little weird.  He is very nervous to be in 6th grade but I think he will love it once it starts. I will still be working at his school this year so I will still be able to see him a lot.  I am really excited to be there with him.

We were able to do the sound booth thing for the U of U and it was a great experience for all of us.  It was very touching to hear my kids stories and what they think of our situation put to music.  I was in tears through the whole thing.  They did an amazing job capturing our story.  I have attached a link that you can go to and listen to it.  I hope it works.  http://ccmixter.org/reviews/JamieGordonFamily/49372#216324 If it doesn't work please let me know and I will put a different one and see if that works.  I am not very computer savvy for this kind of stuff.

Thanks again for reading my blog and following our trials and triumphs and other things that are happening in our family.  We are so thankful to have so many friends and so many people that care about us.

Don't judge me

RaKelle is now in high school and wanting to date, I am a little freaked out about it but I know that she is growing up.  I have a hard time letting her go, I don't even have a spouse that can "clean" his gun when they come to pick her up for her dates.  She came to me a couple of weeks ago and asked me if she got a group together if it would be ok if they all went to the sweethearts dance at the high school, I told her as long as there is a group and they were not pairing off then it would be fine, she got a group together and some of the people backed out the last day but she and a couple other people went together and had so much fun.  I know that I am being judged because she is not 16 yet, but guess what I am not their mother and I make decisions for myself and my family and I am not really worried about what others think.  I am so glad that she was able to go, it was a lot of fun helping her get ready for the dance and seeing her so happy.  They met at the dance because none of them have a drivers license.  I picked them all up after the dance and we all went out for ice cream, there is no way it was a "date" when your mom is sitting at the booth right next to yours!! hahaha  She looked gorgeous and she earned all of the money herself for the tickets and the ice cream I didn't have to spend any money on it.  I was worried about what people would say to me about letting her go and then I decided that when people walk a mile in my shoes then they can judge me.  

I also had a very touching couple of weeks with RaKelle, she wanted to apply for a scholarship and to apply she had to write a 250-500 word essay about someone that they feel is a silent hero, she wrote it up and asked me if I would type it for her so that she could get it in on time.  I sat at the computer to type it and was so overcome with emotion, she wrote that I was her silent hero, and wrote about an emotional experience that her and I had.  She wrote about the time when she was having a horrible day and she was so stressed out and I wasn't sure what was wrong with her she was just being very mean to me and she went to her room and I let her cool off for a minute and had to go down and see if everything was ok, she said nothing was wrong and I knew that it wasn't true I told her to come into my room with me and we could have a talk, she then lost all emotions and started crying hysterically and come to find out she wanted to take her own life, I was stunned and devastated I started crying with her and she wrote in her essay that I just hugged her and told her how important that she was and that I couldn't handle losing her that I was already losing her father, at the end she stated that she never wanted to see me cry like that again if I were to cry that she wanted them to be tears of joy.  She also wrote how important it was to her that if she ever needs to talk that I never say I am too busy and I always take the time to talk with them.  I am so thankful for her and the spirit she brings to our home.  I am so thankful for the relationship that we have together and that she trusts me to support her and always be there for her, I am thankful for the wonderful talks we have together even if they are hard to talk about some of the subjects that we talk about.  I am very pleased to say that she has no longer ever thought about suicide again, she is trying to make a difference for someone else by sharing her story.

I taught the lesson on Sunday in Relief Society and brought this up and lost control of my emotions I don't usually do that when I am teaching but I felt that I needed to share that story with people and hope that it helped someone.  I am sure that there wasn't really a dry eye in the room after that.  I was trying to make a point that decisions that kids make when they are young can impact so many people and themselves that they will have to deal with for a long time.  

This week will finally be over soon, I am so tired and worn out from emotions this week.  I am so exhausted and tired of trying to fight the government on services that Jaren really needs I feel like I have to fight them every single month for him to keep them.  I am fighting them again this month and I don't know if I can do it anymore.  I have actually called an attorney to help me with this because I can't function and fight myself anymore.  I have a hard time dealing with the fact that I am trying my best to be self sufficient and that I actually need the help but to fight for it month after month is a bit wearing.  I have said it before, you can only get told "no" so many times before you can't handle it anymore.  I even broke down (sort of) in my appointment with my counselor, which was good, he has tried to get me to break since I started going there.   A good thing about this week is, the U of U has the opportunity to do a sound bank about the book that was written by that class that we were involved with, what a great opportunity for us as a family to help get the word out about Dementia.

So now to the end, I feel that if people would like to judge me that is fine, but remember one thing there is no way for people to really understand where I am coming from and no one will understand that I make decisions all ALONE, I don't have a spouse to help me with decisions.  I make decisions based on how I feel about things, I make decisions and then ask God if it is the right decision and I am thankful for the power of prayer and how much I use it!  I sometimes feel like I use it for stupid things but I know that anything that I ask for will be answered even if I do not like the answer I have been given.  I know that Jaren was sent to me for a reason and that I was supposed to marry him so that I could care for him in a way that nobody else ever could.  I know that my children are here for me and they are here to support me and when I have a bad day I know that they care and that we can talk to each other and we will feel better.  I am so thankful to have my eternal family to share this life with and the life hereafter, I am thankful for the many lessons I have learned with caring for Jaren and being a wife and a mother, I am thankful for the many blessings I have received and the many people that I have been blessed with getting to know and becoming friends with them.  I am thankful that I am able to work with some wonderful people.  I am thankful for the house that I live in and for the car that still runs and gets me from point A to point B.  I am thankful for an extended family that help me through some difficult times and help me with the kids and all of their activities.   I am thankful for the heartfelt conversations that I have with wonderful co workers and how much they really care about me.  Thanks to everyone who reads this blog and help to keep me going.

Update

I haven't updated for awhile so I thought I would sit down and do an update.  Jaren is gaining weight back since he had the tube placed, it was a bumpy ride there for awhile but it is good now.  He is doing ok, he has his good days and his bad days, but seems to be pretty steady at the moment.  This week has been a little bit stressful because I couldn't keep his sugars to go below 500 he was nauseous and on my birthday I thought I was going to have to take him to the ER but I finally got it to go down some.  I actually gave him an insulin shot. (yeah me! first time ever) I have never had to give him one because he could always do them himself and then he got the pump so I didn't have to, but I needed them to come down fast before he started to vomit.  Thank goodness my dad came over and helped me do it.  I checked his blood sugars throughout that night and gave him another shot and it was finally down to 200,  I changed his pump tubing and insulin with a brand new bottle of insulin and he seemed a little better and then his home health nurse text me and told me they were high again I left work early and came home and he had a blockage in the tube so I changed it again and it worked a little bit better, on Friday I decided that I was going to change his basal rates on his pump and then I would let the Dr know what I did.  His sugars have now been in the 100's.  We met with the Neurologist in December after fighting to get an appointment them since July, and it was a depressing visit.  He told me that I needed to start looking for a home for Jaren because they have a nurse and staff that will be able to be with him 24/7 and he can wander and not have to worry about it because someone would be there to follow him around, (yeah right).  I can honestly say I have no clue what was said after that my brain went into shutdown mode and I couldn't think of anything except "I can't put him in a home yet, I can't, I can't, he will hate me"  I was a little frustrated that the Dr started off with that when he walked into the room.  I bawled the whole way home and didn't know what to do.  I talked to the kids about it and we decided as a family that he needed to stay home with us as long as he can.

Christmas this year was amazing, I was a little bit worried how we were going to make it but I shouldn't have we were blessed by so many people that care for our family.  I am so thankful that we have such great people in the world that are so willing to help others.  I am in awe at how many people helped that wouldn't leave their names so I don't know how to thank them.  If you were one of the many people that helped us out this last Christmas Thank you so much for your kindness and love that you would be willing to help us. By Christmas Eve we were all in tears when we got home from a family gathering and there sat a box of food on our porch again.  I am so thankful that my kids have the ability to know when Heavenly Father has helped us in so many ways.  I am thankful that my kids are so gracious when we receive gifts and things that the first thing they want to do is send a Thank you note.

News Years always brings new challenges.  This year is no different.  RaKelle is starting to be interested in BOYS and she is starting to be a REAL teenager, having her phone with her all the time and texting all the the time.  It is a little weird for me to have her be like that, she is still a good kid but she wants to be with friends a lot more than she ever has before.  I don't really mind it but it gets a little overwhelming because I have to drive her everywhere.  I decided that I have to pick my battles with her and being with a group of friends that are good kids is not one that I want to fight about.   She is very open and honest with me and if I tell her I don't really want her to go out and that I am exhausted and I don't want to take her anywhere she always understands.  I am trying to figure out the best way to handle BOYS with her and I know it is difficult for any parent but it seems to be a little challenging for me because I don't have a spouse to back me up, or one that will tell her no, or a dad that will be cleaning his guns when they pick her up for dates I still have a few months for that one though (thank goodness).  When she does have friends over we always have to remind Jaren to be nice and to not say inappropriate things while they are here.  I am looking forward to when she gets her license so that I don't have to drive her everywhere.  I am also a little nervous about having a teen driver but I think she is responsible that she will be ok.  Her grades are amazing she is getting all A's and I am so thankful for her teachers and administrators at school that help her out with so much when needed.  She is getting ready to go on tour for her Choir group and she is very, very excited to be going.

Ashlyn is doing really, really well in school as well.  She is always busy doing her homework and trying to keep up her good grades.  She had a hard time adjusting to the new VP that the school got because Mr. Varga had a different opportunity and moved on to a different school, we were all sad to see him go but she is adjusting.  I haven't had a chance to meet with the new one yet but I hope to do so in the near future.  Her counselor is really good and she is always willing to help Ashlyn out any way that she can.

Braxton is a 10 year old boy with lots of energy.  He is doing well in school as well.  My office is right next to his class so he comes into see me A LOT, he brought his lunch down a few times to my office to eat with me it was cute.  I really enjoy working at his school.  He has a lot of friends and he is playing basketball with some of them right now.  Just this past weekend was a huge milestone for him he slept over night at his friends and he didn't come home!! I know that is weird to most people but for him it is huge.  He even went back over tonight for a sleepover because there is no school tomorrow.