Don't judge me

RaKelle is now in high school and wanting to date, I am a little freaked out about it but I know that she is growing up.  I have a hard time letting her go, I don't even have a spouse that can "clean" his gun when they come to pick her up for her dates.  She came to me a couple of weeks ago and asked me if she got a group together if it would be ok if they all went to the sweethearts dance at the high school, I told her as long as there is a group and they were not pairing off then it would be fine, she got a group together and some of the people backed out the last day but she and a couple other people went together and had so much fun.  I know that I am being judged because she is not 16 yet, but guess what I am not their mother and I make decisions for myself and my family and I am not really worried about what others think.  I am so glad that she was able to go, it was a lot of fun helping her get ready for the dance and seeing her so happy.  They met at the dance because none of them have a drivers license.  I picked them all up after the dance and we all went out for ice cream, there is no way it was a "date" when your mom is sitting at the booth right next to yours!! hahaha  She looked gorgeous and she earned all of the money herself for the tickets and the ice cream I didn't have to spend any money on it.  I was worried about what people would say to me about letting her go and then I decided that when people walk a mile in my shoes then they can judge me.  

I also had a very touching couple of weeks with RaKelle, she wanted to apply for a scholarship and to apply she had to write a 250-500 word essay about someone that they feel is a silent hero, she wrote it up and asked me if I would type it for her so that she could get it in on time.  I sat at the computer to type it and was so overcome with emotion, she wrote that I was her silent hero, and wrote about an emotional experience that her and I had.  She wrote about the time when she was having a horrible day and she was so stressed out and I wasn't sure what was wrong with her she was just being very mean to me and she went to her room and I let her cool off for a minute and had to go down and see if everything was ok, she said nothing was wrong and I knew that it wasn't true I told her to come into my room with me and we could have a talk, she then lost all emotions and started crying hysterically and come to find out she wanted to take her own life, I was stunned and devastated I started crying with her and she wrote in her essay that I just hugged her and told her how important that she was and that I couldn't handle losing her that I was already losing her father, at the end she stated that she never wanted to see me cry like that again if I were to cry that she wanted them to be tears of joy.  She also wrote how important it was to her that if she ever needs to talk that I never say I am too busy and I always take the time to talk with them.  I am so thankful for her and the spirit she brings to our home.  I am so thankful for the relationship that we have together and that she trusts me to support her and always be there for her, I am thankful for the wonderful talks we have together even if they are hard to talk about some of the subjects that we talk about.  I am very pleased to say that she has no longer ever thought about suicide again, she is trying to make a difference for someone else by sharing her story.

I taught the lesson on Sunday in Relief Society and brought this up and lost control of my emotions I don't usually do that when I am teaching but I felt that I needed to share that story with people and hope that it helped someone.  I am sure that there wasn't really a dry eye in the room after that.  I was trying to make a point that decisions that kids make when they are young can impact so many people and themselves that they will have to deal with for a long time.  

This week will finally be over soon, I am so tired and worn out from emotions this week.  I am so exhausted and tired of trying to fight the government on services that Jaren really needs I feel like I have to fight them every single month for him to keep them.  I am fighting them again this month and I don't know if I can do it anymore.  I have actually called an attorney to help me with this because I can't function and fight myself anymore.  I have a hard time dealing with the fact that I am trying my best to be self sufficient and that I actually need the help but to fight for it month after month is a bit wearing.  I have said it before, you can only get told "no" so many times before you can't handle it anymore.  I even broke down (sort of) in my appointment with my counselor, which was good, he has tried to get me to break since I started going there.   A good thing about this week is, the U of U has the opportunity to do a sound bank about the book that was written by that class that we were involved with, what a great opportunity for us as a family to help get the word out about Dementia.

So now to the end, I feel that if people would like to judge me that is fine, but remember one thing there is no way for people to really understand where I am coming from and no one will understand that I make decisions all ALONE, I don't have a spouse to help me with decisions.  I make decisions based on how I feel about things, I make decisions and then ask God if it is the right decision and I am thankful for the power of prayer and how much I use it!  I sometimes feel like I use it for stupid things but I know that anything that I ask for will be answered even if I do not like the answer I have been given.  I know that Jaren was sent to me for a reason and that I was supposed to marry him so that I could care for him in a way that nobody else ever could.  I know that my children are here for me and they are here to support me and when I have a bad day I know that they care and that we can talk to each other and we will feel better.  I am so thankful to have my eternal family to share this life with and the life hereafter, I am thankful for the many lessons I have learned with caring for Jaren and being a wife and a mother, I am thankful for the many blessings I have received and the many people that I have been blessed with getting to know and becoming friends with them.  I am thankful that I am able to work with some wonderful people.  I am thankful for the house that I live in and for the car that still runs and gets me from point A to point B.  I am thankful for an extended family that help me through some difficult times and help me with the kids and all of their activities.   I am thankful for the heartfelt conversations that I have with wonderful co workers and how much they really care about me.  Thanks to everyone who reads this blog and help to keep me going.