back to work.........yeah, relief

I am back to work and I can't tell you how excited I was to go back to work to get away from the house for a few hours a day.  I am only back for a couple weeks and then I am off again until after the new school year starts.  I am very thankful though because at the end of the school year I didn't know if I would have a job in the fall and last week I found out that I will, what a HUGE relief for me what an answer to my prayers that day.  Jaren has been really down this week so I am trying to be happy and upbeat for him but I am so NOT in the mood to be happy, I am done with being let down and done with people talking behind my back.  I know people talk and I know sometimes some people don't like what I do or some of the decisions I make for my family and sometimes they are frustrated with me but maybe they should trade me places and see how they like it I guarantee they will change their mind after living in my shoes for 2 hours or less.  Not to mention I DON'T have time for drama.  I work my butt off to take care of Jaren and the kids and a lot of times I get left on the back burner, and sometimes the kids don't get what they want but we deal with it and sometimes I don't have a choice.  A haircut every once in awhile is soooooooo worth it even if I don't really have the money sometimes you just feel sooo much better when you look nice and your hair is done. 

I knew that since I wasn't working in the summer that I wouldn't be getting paid so I took my last paycheck and paid off my CAR, I can't tell you what a relief that is to me knowing that my car won't get towed in the middle of the night because I was behind on payments or that I don't have another car payment but of course when you pay off a car it starts to have problems so of course the minute I sent the check my spark plugs went out on me, I don't have air conditioning, and my window only rolls up and down sometimes, so when someone asked me the other day if I felt like I was getting a raise with no car payment, NO I DO NOT, I am not getting paid for 3 months and I have to pay to get it fixed.  I really am just done with everything in life right now so I am taking a sleeping pill (which means the anxiety is very bad today because I never take pills to help me sleep because every time I do we end up in the hospital because I don't care about things in the middle of the night)  and going to bed so that I can hopefully feel refreshed tomorrow and be able to be happy again for my kids, they are really the ones that suffer when I am not in the mood to put up with things.  I try my hardest to put on a happy face for them but sometimes I just can't do it. 

how much more.......

I am so done with fighting, how much more fighting do I have to take before I totally lose my patience? I am getting to the point where I can't take much more before I freak out.  I made them ALL go to bed early tonight because today has been nonstop fighting.  Jaren doesn't think he has to help with anything at all and he has been downstairs in his bedroom playing nintendo of course ALL DAY so I have had to deal with the fighting and whining alone, I know he can't do much to help anyway, but it would be nice for him to at least be upstairs with me and back me up when I can't take anymore.  It was nice to not have Jaren involved in the fighting because usually he IS involved he is usually the one that starts it.  I am not sure how much more I can take before I go to work again next week for a couple weeks, I don't know if I am going to be able to leave the kids home together, but I know for a fact that I can't leave the kids and Jaren home together.  I am not sure what is going on with the kids but they can't seem to get along at all.   I haven't taken him back to the daycare lately because I can't afford it but I have taken the kids to a sports activity at the local rec center to get some of their energy out and it seemed to help for 1 day.  I wish I could do that more for the kids they get to swim and meet new friends but I just can't do it that often because it gets pricey and I have not had any work since June 1st.  I go back on July 26th for summer school for 2 weeks and then I am off again for another couple weeks, we have made it work and we have been able to get the things that we need and hope that we can continue to be blessed with the things that we need.

His swallowing is getting worse I think it takes him forever to eat anything lately, he can't eat spicy food anymore his mouth and stomach can't take it.  The other day I caught him with his insulin pump off and his shirt off I asked him why his pump was off and why his shirt was off and he just shrugged his shoulders and said he didn't know, I said why is you pump off? he said I felt good today I thought I wasn't a diabetic anymore, I asked him then why his shirt was off and he said I really can't explain that one.  I told him that diabetes doesn't work that way it doesn't just go away for one day and he needs to keep that on, it could kill him if he left it off and I hadn't have seen it off.