Sorry it has been so long!

This year has gone so fast.  I can't believe the summer is over and it is time for school to start again.  I have been very busy this summer.  I was done working at the elementary school in April I was a little freaked out at first because I depend on those paychecks, but I am also a crossing guard for the City of West Jordan and I was able to do a crossing for the free school breakfast/lunch program over the summer which was so helpful and I know that my prayers were answered the day I got that phone call.  It was really, really hot some days but so worth it.  Sometimes my kids would come with me sometimes they all came at once and sometimes one at a time, it was really great to spend that time with them.

A week after RaKelle turned 16 she  was able to sing the National Anthem at the Western Stampede Rodeo, she did amazing and she was not even nervous I think I had all of her nerves for her I was so nervous.  She amazes me everyday, she was able to sit up in the boxed seats with the people in charge and was able to take Braxton and her cousin Amaia up there with her.  It was a really fun night, almost my entire family was there to support her and it was awesome.  I sat down next to Jaren when she was done and asked him if he liked and he started crying.  I was so thankful that he was able to see RaKelle achieve one of her many dreams come true.  I tried to attach a video of her singing I hope it worked.

RaKelle finally turned 16 yay!!! and she is loving it.  She is working 2 different jobs and loves them and loves having her own money.  I can't wait until she finally gets her license so she can drive herself to work, but it is really nice to hand her the keys and say I will sit in the passenger seat and just enjoy being a passenger.  She will be starting her junior year on Monday and she has some really good classes.  She has had a rough summer, she has had some friends that were not happy with themselves this summer and one of them was wanting to take his life and he had called her thinking it was someone else and she started crying hysterically and I have a very open relationship with her so I knew that things were not good with this person so I immediately called dispatch and talked with someone and they were able to find him and get him to safety.  It was not a fun couple hours I knew I had to do something because I didn't know if I could handle her feeling guilty if this person took his life and I didn't do anything to help, she would tell me over and over I am so glad that he called me instead of who he was trying to get a hold of.  I was talking to dispatch and she was talking to him, she actually heard from him and he is doing much better.  I am so thankful that I listened to my instincts and called someone to potentially save his life.  She told me over and over that she thinks that other people would have just brushed it off and just chalked it up to him wanting attention.  It was a stressful day for all of us, Ashlyn and Braxton were terrified because they have never seen her cry like that especially in a public place.

Ashlyn is starting 9th grade this year and is very excited.  She loves school, she has been a little worried because her band teacher that is the BEST teacher ever that taught me how to play the flute when I was her age retired this year and there is a new teacher coming in.  She has some fun classes and I think she will enjoy 9th grade.

Braxton will be in 6th grade this year and this will be the last year that I will have kids in elementary school it is kind of sad and a little weird.  He is very nervous to be in 6th grade but I think he will love it once it starts. I will still be working at his school this year so I will still be able to see him a lot.  I am really excited to be there with him.

We were able to do the sound booth thing for the U of U and it was a great experience for all of us.  It was very touching to hear my kids stories and what they think of our situation put to music.  I was in tears through the whole thing.  They did an amazing job capturing our story.  I have attached a link that you can go to and listen to it.  I hope it works.  http://ccmixter.org/reviews/JamieGordonFamily/49372#216324 If it doesn't work please let me know and I will put a different one and see if that works.  I am not very computer savvy for this kind of stuff.

Thanks again for reading my blog and following our trials and triumphs and other things that are happening in our family.  We are so thankful to have so many friends and so many people that care about us.

Don't judge me

RaKelle is now in high school and wanting to date, I am a little freaked out about it but I know that she is growing up.  I have a hard time letting her go, I don't even have a spouse that can "clean" his gun when they come to pick her up for her dates.  She came to me a couple of weeks ago and asked me if she got a group together if it would be ok if they all went to the sweethearts dance at the high school, I told her as long as there is a group and they were not pairing off then it would be fine, she got a group together and some of the people backed out the last day but she and a couple other people went together and had so much fun.  I know that I am being judged because she is not 16 yet, but guess what I am not their mother and I make decisions for myself and my family and I am not really worried about what others think.  I am so glad that she was able to go, it was a lot of fun helping her get ready for the dance and seeing her so happy.  They met at the dance because none of them have a drivers license.  I picked them all up after the dance and we all went out for ice cream, there is no way it was a "date" when your mom is sitting at the booth right next to yours!! hahaha  She looked gorgeous and she earned all of the money herself for the tickets and the ice cream I didn't have to spend any money on it.  I was worried about what people would say to me about letting her go and then I decided that when people walk a mile in my shoes then they can judge me.  

I also had a very touching couple of weeks with RaKelle, she wanted to apply for a scholarship and to apply she had to write a 250-500 word essay about someone that they feel is a silent hero, she wrote it up and asked me if I would type it for her so that she could get it in on time.  I sat at the computer to type it and was so overcome with emotion, she wrote that I was her silent hero, and wrote about an emotional experience that her and I had.  She wrote about the time when she was having a horrible day and she was so stressed out and I wasn't sure what was wrong with her she was just being very mean to me and she went to her room and I let her cool off for a minute and had to go down and see if everything was ok, she said nothing was wrong and I knew that it wasn't true I told her to come into my room with me and we could have a talk, she then lost all emotions and started crying hysterically and come to find out she wanted to take her own life, I was stunned and devastated I started crying with her and she wrote in her essay that I just hugged her and told her how important that she was and that I couldn't handle losing her that I was already losing her father, at the end she stated that she never wanted to see me cry like that again if I were to cry that she wanted them to be tears of joy.  She also wrote how important it was to her that if she ever needs to talk that I never say I am too busy and I always take the time to talk with them.  I am so thankful for her and the spirit she brings to our home.  I am so thankful for the relationship that we have together and that she trusts me to support her and always be there for her, I am thankful for the wonderful talks we have together even if they are hard to talk about some of the subjects that we talk about.  I am very pleased to say that she has no longer ever thought about suicide again, she is trying to make a difference for someone else by sharing her story.

I taught the lesson on Sunday in Relief Society and brought this up and lost control of my emotions I don't usually do that when I am teaching but I felt that I needed to share that story with people and hope that it helped someone.  I am sure that there wasn't really a dry eye in the room after that.  I was trying to make a point that decisions that kids make when they are young can impact so many people and themselves that they will have to deal with for a long time.  

This week will finally be over soon, I am so tired and worn out from emotions this week.  I am so exhausted and tired of trying to fight the government on services that Jaren really needs I feel like I have to fight them every single month for him to keep them.  I am fighting them again this month and I don't know if I can do it anymore.  I have actually called an attorney to help me with this because I can't function and fight myself anymore.  I have a hard time dealing with the fact that I am trying my best to be self sufficient and that I actually need the help but to fight for it month after month is a bit wearing.  I have said it before, you can only get told "no" so many times before you can't handle it anymore.  I even broke down (sort of) in my appointment with my counselor, which was good, he has tried to get me to break since I started going there.   A good thing about this week is, the U of U has the opportunity to do a sound bank about the book that was written by that class that we were involved with, what a great opportunity for us as a family to help get the word out about Dementia.

So now to the end, I feel that if people would like to judge me that is fine, but remember one thing there is no way for people to really understand where I am coming from and no one will understand that I make decisions all ALONE, I don't have a spouse to help me with decisions.  I make decisions based on how I feel about things, I make decisions and then ask God if it is the right decision and I am thankful for the power of prayer and how much I use it!  I sometimes feel like I use it for stupid things but I know that anything that I ask for will be answered even if I do not like the answer I have been given.  I know that Jaren was sent to me for a reason and that I was supposed to marry him so that I could care for him in a way that nobody else ever could.  I know that my children are here for me and they are here to support me and when I have a bad day I know that they care and that we can talk to each other and we will feel better.  I am so thankful to have my eternal family to share this life with and the life hereafter, I am thankful for the many lessons I have learned with caring for Jaren and being a wife and a mother, I am thankful for the many blessings I have received and the many people that I have been blessed with getting to know and becoming friends with them.  I am thankful that I am able to work with some wonderful people.  I am thankful for the house that I live in and for the car that still runs and gets me from point A to point B.  I am thankful for an extended family that help me through some difficult times and help me with the kids and all of their activities.   I am thankful for the heartfelt conversations that I have with wonderful co workers and how much they really care about me.  Thanks to everyone who reads this blog and help to keep me going.

Update

I haven't updated for awhile so I thought I would sit down and do an update.  Jaren is gaining weight back since he had the tube placed, it was a bumpy ride there for awhile but it is good now.  He is doing ok, he has his good days and his bad days, but seems to be pretty steady at the moment.  This week has been a little bit stressful because I couldn't keep his sugars to go below 500 he was nauseous and on my birthday I thought I was going to have to take him to the ER but I finally got it to go down some.  I actually gave him an insulin shot. (yeah me! first time ever) I have never had to give him one because he could always do them himself and then he got the pump so I didn't have to, but I needed them to come down fast before he started to vomit.  Thank goodness my dad came over and helped me do it.  I checked his blood sugars throughout that night and gave him another shot and it was finally down to 200,  I changed his pump tubing and insulin with a brand new bottle of insulin and he seemed a little better and then his home health nurse text me and told me they were high again I left work early and came home and he had a blockage in the tube so I changed it again and it worked a little bit better, on Friday I decided that I was going to change his basal rates on his pump and then I would let the Dr know what I did.  His sugars have now been in the 100's.  We met with the Neurologist in December after fighting to get an appointment them since July, and it was a depressing visit.  He told me that I needed to start looking for a home for Jaren because they have a nurse and staff that will be able to be with him 24/7 and he can wander and not have to worry about it because someone would be there to follow him around, (yeah right).  I can honestly say I have no clue what was said after that my brain went into shutdown mode and I couldn't think of anything except "I can't put him in a home yet, I can't, I can't, he will hate me"  I was a little frustrated that the Dr started off with that when he walked into the room.  I bawled the whole way home and didn't know what to do.  I talked to the kids about it and we decided as a family that he needed to stay home with us as long as he can.

Christmas this year was amazing, I was a little bit worried how we were going to make it but I shouldn't have we were blessed by so many people that care for our family.  I am so thankful that we have such great people in the world that are so willing to help others.  I am in awe at how many people helped that wouldn't leave their names so I don't know how to thank them.  If you were one of the many people that helped us out this last Christmas Thank you so much for your kindness and love that you would be willing to help us. By Christmas Eve we were all in tears when we got home from a family gathering and there sat a box of food on our porch again.  I am so thankful that my kids have the ability to know when Heavenly Father has helped us in so many ways.  I am thankful that my kids are so gracious when we receive gifts and things that the first thing they want to do is send a Thank you note.

News Years always brings new challenges.  This year is no different.  RaKelle is starting to be interested in BOYS and she is starting to be a REAL teenager, having her phone with her all the time and texting all the the time.  It is a little weird for me to have her be like that, she is still a good kid but she wants to be with friends a lot more than she ever has before.  I don't really mind it but it gets a little overwhelming because I have to drive her everywhere.  I decided that I have to pick my battles with her and being with a group of friends that are good kids is not one that I want to fight about.   She is very open and honest with me and if I tell her I don't really want her to go out and that I am exhausted and I don't want to take her anywhere she always understands.  I am trying to figure out the best way to handle BOYS with her and I know it is difficult for any parent but it seems to be a little challenging for me because I don't have a spouse to back me up, or one that will tell her no, or a dad that will be cleaning his guns when they pick her up for dates I still have a few months for that one though (thank goodness).  When she does have friends over we always have to remind Jaren to be nice and to not say inappropriate things while they are here.  I am looking forward to when she gets her license so that I don't have to drive her everywhere.  I am also a little nervous about having a teen driver but I think she is responsible that she will be ok.  Her grades are amazing she is getting all A's and I am so thankful for her teachers and administrators at school that help her out with so much when needed.  She is getting ready to go on tour for her Choir group and she is very, very excited to be going.

Ashlyn is doing really, really well in school as well.  She is always busy doing her homework and trying to keep up her good grades.  She had a hard time adjusting to the new VP that the school got because Mr. Varga had a different opportunity and moved on to a different school, we were all sad to see him go but she is adjusting.  I haven't had a chance to meet with the new one yet but I hope to do so in the near future.  Her counselor is really good and she is always willing to help Ashlyn out any way that she can.

Braxton is a 10 year old boy with lots of energy.  He is doing well in school as well.  My office is right next to his class so he comes into see me A LOT, he brought his lunch down a few times to my office to eat with me it was cute.  I really enjoy working at his school.  He has a lot of friends and he is playing basketball with some of them right now.  Just this past weekend was a huge milestone for him he slept over night at his friends and he didn't come home!! I know that is weird to most people but for him it is huge.  He even went back over tonight for a sleepover because there is no school tomorrow.

October has been crazy

Jaren had his feeding tube placed on September 25th, it was doing really, really well he started gaining weight and then the Tuesday after it was placed he became dehydrated and throwing up so I left work after his aid text me that he was throwing up so I got to a point at work that I could leave and went home to check on him, he looked horrible, I checked his blood sugar and it was 495, I gave him some insulin and sat there with him for a while and talked to him and 30 mins later I checked his sugars again and they were higher they were up over 500 I asked him what he wanted me to do.  I told him I could take him in to the ER or I could go back to work and see if the insulin is working, he said he didn't care he just kept getting worse and worse so I didn't dare go back to work and I asked him again if he wanted to go to the ER and he said "yes, please take me in" I took him in and they got him to a room pretty quick, they started and IV and some insulin and did some blood work and the numbers were not good, he was in Diabetic Ketoacidosis so they told me that they had to admit him but not to a regular room he had to go to the ICU, It was stressful.  I was already overwhelmed trying to learn the new feeding tube and how it worked and now this? they took really good care of us though.  When he got settled in his room in the ICU I decided to go eat some dinner I hadn't eaten all day because I was at work and I usually come home and eat after I am done working.  I went down to the cafeteria and ordered a salad they are usually pretty good there, I went to pay for it and my card declined I was so embarrassed luckily I had a little bit of cash in my purse.  I started bawling and I couldn't stop, I had so many emotions I was feeling, I was feeling guilty because I had started another job as a crossing guard to help with finances and I was hardly home that few days after the tube was placed and that day he was sick I didn't have time to really help him that morning because I was going crazy.  I should have been home that day and maybe he wouldn't have been sick or I could have caught it in time before it got to the point where he had to be hospitalized.  I know, I know it couldn't have been helped, BUT I still can't help the way I was feeling.  He started to get better once they got his sugars under control and they decided he could go to a regular floor, they put us on the 8th floor which was really good because my sister is a RN on that floor and she was working that day and I got to go up to her floor and eat lunch with her which was really fun!! so we got up to the 8th floor and the nurses were really nice, and helpful.  My sister came in to sit with me after her shift and they changed nurses and my sister was able to hand pick his nurse so I knew he would get the best care.  It was getting late by that time and so I asked my sister to stay with me so I didn't have to walk out to my car by myself, so they came in to do his vitals and to feed him through the feeding tube and he had to go to the bathroom, both my sister and I told the CNA Tech that he had dementia and she just laughed and said "don't we all" nobody believes me because he is young and he LOOKS normal.  After the restroom break he didn't want to get back in bed so the good nurse didn't want to set the bed alarm until he was in it but I needed to get home to be with the kids and to get SOME sleep, so I went back the next morning and they tell me that he was ready to go home that night and tried to follow me out and security brought him back upstairs.  I asked Jaren how far he made it out and he said they found him in the parking lot.  I couldn't be mad because they did find him and he was not harmed and I couldn't help but laugh.  I had told the nurse that he usually doesn't wander, ooops I guess I am wrong, but now when he is in the hospital I don't feel like I will be able to leave him.  I was upset though that the CNA didn't believe me or my sister and he wandered, that was a little irritating.  But not worth being that upset I have other things to worry about.

He  finally got home and he was doing really well.  The home health nurse was coming in still 3 times a week and admitted to me that even he didn't really see the REAL situation until he started coming more when I wasn't home and the questions that Jaren couldn't answer or answer wrong, he said that he visualized the situation from the first to know very different and he can see now that Jaren really needs help, FINALLY someone gets it!!  Anyway, I took him for a follow-up visit with the family Dr on October 16th and he said looking at his blood work from the different times in the last year he seems to be anemic, really! one more thing to keep track of.  He suggested waiting another month and redo his blood work and see what the numbers say and they will decide what to do.  That would make sense why he is so worn down and so pale and always exhausted, then the next day came and he just wasn't acting himself, his aid came over to help shower him and I asked him to look at his tube placement incision and see what he thought, he said it looks infected so after the shower we decided to go back to the ER to get it checked just to be safe, I didn't want to take him to Instacare because I don't think they have the equipment to handle that kind of stuff.  So off to the ER we went, glad we did it was infected with a fever and all they did do a CAT scan to make sure there was not infection inside the stomach, thank goodness it came back ok, they did a round of IV antibiotics and gave him some through his tube before we left and sent us home with 2 antibiotic prescriptions so I have been breaking up pills and putting them through his tube 4 times a day.  We had an appointment with the Nutrition Support team that placed the tube and that was on Tuesday last week, they numbed it and pulled some granual tissue out of the incision and did some other things to it and told me to come over to the table so that I could see what was happening, so I walked over and she started poking around in it with some sort of a stick thing and I started feeling so weird and I could hear people but I had no clue what they were saying and my eyes were closing in and everything felt like my head was spinning and I about passed out I luckily had the feeling to go sit down so I walked over to the chair and sat down, what a horrible feeling.  I have never felt like that before.  I am sure I was as white as a ghost because when I finally came out of it I could feel the color come back to my face.  He is doing good now and still gaining weight so hopefully he can stay healthy through the next couple of months.  The time between fall and winter seasons are the worst it seems for him, he gets really ill and then he seems to level off again when it gets warmer.  I guess we will see what will happen.

So many ups and downs

School has begun and the kids are all doing pretty good with keeping up with homework and good grades so far.  They all really like their teachers and RaKelle is loving the high school social stuff and football games.

I wasn't sure how to write some of the things that I have been feeling lately.  I was still concerned with Jaren not eating and not swallowing his pills so we went to our appointment with the GI Doctor and I knew he was going to tell me that we should consider a feeding tube for his nutrients and his medications, even though I knew it was coming it didn't lessen the blow any, it is still a slap in the face that things are going downhill at a fast rate.  The Dr's have all been really good about answering all of my questions and about giving me the information I have needed to make my decisions.  I think by far that this decision has been the hardest one yet.  I told the Dr I would not make a decision on my own that I had to go home and talk it over with my kids before I would make the final decision.  We had a family meeting that night and talked it over and they all asked if they could have some time to think about it and have another meeting later in the week to discuss the options and what their feelings were, so that is what we did, needless to say it was a very emotional week for all of us.  RaKelle had a meltdown, Ashlyn got really mean and Braxton got really, really sick with fever and just wanting to lay on the couch he was sick for 5 days.  RaKelle came and talked to me and we had a really good talk she expressed how hard it was at school to listen to people in the hall complain about how their dad's are so over protective and she just wished that her dad knew how to be over protective. Ashlyn finally calmed down and she is doing much better.  Braxton finally got better.  The Friday after we found out about the tube we celebrated Jaren's 40th birthday, he swears up and down he is 31 so we just go with it, instead of having a party with friends and family we were discussing the feeding tube.

We finally came to the decision to have the tube placed.  I know some people wonder why we chose to have a feeding tube, they wonder why we want to prolong his life.  I thought about that as well and talked with more than one of his Dr's and they were very supportive with whatever decision that we made.  They all said that he is still functioning to a point where his nutrition is very important and if he wasn't getting the nutrition that he needs it would start eating his muscles and it would be more painful.  Our family Dr made a very good point as well, he said you aren't prolonging his life we are treating the symptoms and helping him have a good quality for the end of life not the quantity.  I didn't look at it that way until he said something.  I am so thankful for the Dr's that we have working with him and the way they treat him, and the support that they give to me.

The G tube (Gastric feeding tube) was placed on Thursday September 25, 2014 it was a looooong day we had to be at the hospital at 5am.  The surgery went very smooth and it didn't even take them as long as they anticipated and they were very pleased with how it went.  The surgeon was very good and he said that the surgery was better than they expected it to be.  He came home the same day and did really well.  We now have to get used to a new "normal" for feeds and meds and dealing with everything.  When he was in post op he kept saying "ow, my belly hurts" I would then say, 'yes, you had surgery your belly will hurt for a few days, they had to cut you a little bit" he would look at me and growl and say "why, did they do that?" I had to explain it over and over again that it will help him eat and get the medicine he needs.  When we got home the kids asked him why his belly hurt and he would say "because they thought I was a toy or a doll so they cut me all up" at least it didn't take his sense of humor yet!!  he is finally understanding a little bit but is very vocal about the pain and very ornery sometimes.

We are holding a Bake Sale this coming Friday October 3, 2014 for the AFTD like the one that we had last year.  The kids have done a lot to get ready for this and hopefully it will pay off.

It has been a long time

I can't believe how long it has been since I have updated.  I am happy to say that I got a new job I am still going to be doing reading programs but at a different school, I will now be working at West Jordan Elementary, the school the Braxton goes to I am hoping that this will help him be able to go to school a lot more and not be sick so much from leaving Jaren.

I can't believe school is about to start again, RaKelle will be in 10th grade and she starts High School this year!! I am a little nervous for her but I know she will do great, she is working on getting her Learner's permit and she is loving the driving experience.  I am honestly looking forward to when she will get her license, because I won't have to be the only driver anymore.

Ashlyn is about to start 8th grade and is very excited.  She has some really good classes and some good friends that she can't wait to hang out with again this year.  She loves school, which is so different for her she hated elementary but she loves middle school hopefully this year will be the same and she will love it!!

Braxton is starting the 5th grade and at back to school night we found out that my office is right next to his classroom and he is worried about that but I told him if he was good and obeyed the rules he has nothing to worry about.

Jaren will be home alone again in the mornings while I am at work, I am a little worried how he is going to react the first couple weeks change is really hard on him.  He has been declining quite a bit this summer, not just his memory but he doesn't want to eat, his stomach hurts all the time which is making his diabetes crazy, his A1C which is a 3 month blood sugar average was 6.8 which normal people is perfect but for him it is scary it means he is having a lot of low blood sugars that we are not aware of.  He has lost 20 pounds in about 8 months.  I made an appointment with the GI doctor but he didn't have any openings until September 8, so we have to wait until then.  Hopefully we can get some answers or maybe some other options to help him get the nutrition that he needs.  His memory is getting a lot worse and the pain in his body is almost unbearable, sometimes he can't even feel his feet and can't get out of bed, he said his stomach pain is like the Neuropathy in his hands and feet so I am not sure if there are nerves in the stomach that are being attacked that make his stomach hurt.  I pray every night that he will be able to handle being home alone while I am working because I don't have a choice on the matter I have to work to keep us afloat.  I am working on getting his aid to come in the morning while I am gone so that he isn't alone the entire time.

I am so ready for Spring!

Here at the Gordon house, we are so ready for spring.  I have to say though we haven't had the illness at our house this winter like we usually do.  Jaren wasn't in the hospital at all this winter.  He did end up in the hospital the middle of March, he was fine all weekend and one Sunday afternoon he said I don't feel so good, I took his blood sugars and he was high so I gave him some insulin and he wasn't feeling any better so I took it again and it had only gone down by 100, he started vomiting and couldn't stop so I took him to the ER so that he could be rehydrated because usually by the time he starts throwing up he is dehydrated and I can't get it under control myself.  When we got to the ER they were really busy but they started the IV and he started feeling better but they couldn't get his sugars to go down and they were worried about some of his blood work, his Anion Gap was opened and acid level wasn't going down either so they decided to admit him to the ICU.  It was a little stressful because it was about 1 am, when they got us up to his room the doctor came in and asked Jaren " what brings you here today?" Jaren looked at me and looked back at the doctor and said "um, a van" the doctor started laughing thank goodness and said "I guess I should have asked that a different way."  I had to laugh myself it was actually really funny.  I then had to explain to them that he suffers from Dementia because of the MLD and I had to explain what MLD was because not many people including doctors know anything about MLD.  Since that hospital visit he just hasn't been himself, his sugars have been out of control and I can't seem to keep him under 300.  I went to see my counselor and told him about it and he told me that the MLD could be making the brain do things that the insulin is being affected and not working correctly.  I don't know what to do about that besides just taking sugars and giving insulin.  The pain has been so bad as well that he has had to have major pain killers to keep it under control.

It has been a really tough year so far.  RaKelle had to have surgery on her knee to finally fix it.  I really didn't realize how much she helps until she couldn't.  She is awesome!! I was focused on her a lot and I was trying to take care of Jaren and it was really hard.  I didn't feel like I could leave him alone while we were at the hospital so I asked some neighbors to check on him.  It was a LONG day but we made it through, she is doing really well one more week and her brace gets to come off.  When Jaren was in the hospital I was so focused on getting Jaren better that I kind of let her fall to the back burner and she was sitting in the hospital with me and she put her foot up to elevate it and her whole foot was swollen I felt so bad. 

Jaren has not been sleeping at night he wanders the house and wakes everyone up.  He gets confused on where to sleep.  Last week he woke Braxton up because he wanted to "talk" at midnight.  Braxton didn't have the heart to tell him he was tired and to go back to bed so he sat up and listened and talked to him.  I asked what he talked about and he told me that he said "your mom is so pretty I want to marry her."  and Braxton told him he was already married to me and Jaren told him he wants to get married to me again. He said that Jaren kept talking about Ashlyn and how sometimes she is not nice, and he was talking about RaKelle and how tall she is.  He talked a little bit about nintendo.  Needless to say I couldn't get him up on time and he was late for school.  I thought it was super cute of Braxton to stay up with his dad and just listen to him. 

I get overwhelmed when they miss a lot of school but I feel like that is not something I want to fight them on.  I feel like sometimes they just can't go to school and if they do they won't be able to concentrate so it really doesn't do them any good.  I know they have to send letters home when they have had to many absences but I can't handle when I read them, that just makes one more thing I have to work out with the administration and it is overwhelming and frustrating even though they are super nice about it.  I am trying my best to raise my kids and take care of him sometimes it is not as stressful as others and sometimes it gets to the point where I just want to run and hide and cry a lot.  Sometimes I just want to stay in bed and sleep until it all goes away, but I know that is not possible.