Monday, April 16, 2012

2 birthdays, Easter, Baptism, and Anniversary

It has been a busy couple of weeks, we have had 2 birthdays, Easter, a Baptism and we are celebrating our Wedding Anniversary today.  Ashlyn turned 11 and Braxton turned 8 on Easter Sunday, Braxton was Baptized on April 14th and it was so awesome.  He was so excited and Jaren was actually able to baptize him, my dad was able to get into the font with him to help him remember how to do it, and the bishop stood right next to him during the confirmation and whispered it in his ear.  We are so blessed that he was well enough that day to perform this special ordinance.  It truly is a miracle.  Sunday while I was at church he decided he needed to change the tubing on his insulin pump and did NOT put another one on so he had gone most of the day without insulin and I thought we were going to have to take him to the ER to get fluids but I was able to get it back in control so we didn't have to go in.  Thanks to Cody Pearson and my dad for dropping everything and coming over to give him a blessing if not to comfort him but to comfort the kids knowing that he would be ok without having to go to the hospital.

Today is our 14th wedding anniversary, I made the mistake of asking Jaren if he knew what an anniversary was and he said "yes" " it is the day we got together"  I said "yes, kind of" I then asked him what marriage meant and he didn't say anything he got silent and I told him that it was ok if he didn't know I just want to know if he knew what it was and he got really sad and said "no, I am sorry"  I acted like it was no big deal but it was a shock and it really did hurt.  The more I thought about it the more it hurt it makes me wonder what he thinks I am to him I guess just a caregiver and someone that he can lean on for help with his problems.  I am trying my hardest to not dwell on it but I can't stop thinking about it.  I didn't get married to be a caregiver for the entire marriage.  No I wouldn't change anything I would have still married him but the more he progresses the harder it is to think that I am actually married.  I love him still but it is a very, very different love.  I am very grateful that he has made it to our 14th wedding anniversary but I am getting so tired and worn out being a caregiver is the hardest job EVER!!!  I think we should make a reality TV show with celebrity's and trade places with them for ONE day and the caregivers could live a day in luxury and the celebrity's would have to take care of our loved ones for one day but I don't think the stars could handle it at all, they wouldn't know what to do without nanny's and cooks and someone to make them look pretty and not have time to work out or barely even get a shower in and work to keep food on the table. 

RaKelle is really struggling with life right now and I don't know what to do about it besides let her know I am here to talk and listen and a shoulder to cry on.  Being her age I know is so difficult it is a very hard age without all the trials that she has and I think she is handling it as good as can be expected, but as a parent it is hard to see how hard life is on her.