Family Journal

My counselor that I have been seeing has given me so many ideas that I have tried and I absolutely love them all.  He suggested that we start a family journal he suggested it before christmas but I forgot totally about it with the holidays and things so I finally got one out and it is so amazing.  He suggested that we set it out where ever we will see it constantly and to treat it like it is gold, he also said to make sure that everyone knows that anyone can write in it and read at anytime.  The kids have really grasped this concept and they are writing things about school, and RaKelle even opened up to me about some things that she never has before it is so awesome.  It has given all of us an opportunity to write stuff that we don't want to talk about and we can answer things on there too.  It will be an amazing thing to read when his time here on earth is over.

Another suggestion was to start some traditions with just the kids and I that we do every week, or month, or as often as needed that we can do when Jaren passes away and that they will look forward to every week, or month.  So we started to have sleepovers in my room RaKelle sleeps in there on Thursday nights since she doesn't have to go to school until later on Fridays, and Ashlyn sleeps in there on Friday nights, and Braxton sleeps in there on Saturday nights.  They love it, they look forward to it every week and they count down the days till they get to do it again, they like that everyone has to go to bed on their night but they get to stay up later with me and watch TV or a movie and then we go to bed. Our neighbor made them Daddy Quilts for Christmas out of Jaren's old clothes and they are so beautiful so they wrap up in them and they use them as covers at "our" sleepover!!  It is so neat to see how excited they get to sleep in my bed. 

We are still waiting on Jaren's wheelchair, and now he has to have a new insulin pump so we are getting all the paperwork done for that now so much fun for me (not), but in the end it will be worth it (I hope) I know he will not be able to learn a new pump so ALL of his care will be on my shoulders except testing his sugars since he can still do that, the new pump that we chose still uses the insets which is the tubing, so that will be nice too even though I have had to do that for awhile now because he forgets how to do it or he does it so different that the catheter gets bent and he doesn't get any insulin at all.  I know I will have to be more attentive to his diabetes but hopefully it won't be a huge adjustment for him because change does not sit with him. 

He has been going to Taylorsville senior center on Tuesdays with his friend Noel and they enjoy it.  My friend picks Jaren up on their way to the center and then I pick them up from the center and take them home it works out so nicely and it gives us some time to get things done without our little shadows following us wondering what we are doing and why we are doing what we are doing. 

Welcome 2012!

I can honestly say I am so glad that 2011 is over!! I would recap what happened but to be honest my days, weeks, months, all mesh together and I can't remember what honestly happened.  I do however know what happened the last couple weeks of December and I want to remember someone very special.  My grandma Adams passed away December 16, 2011 from complications with pnuemonia so the Tuesday before Christmas we had to go to Idaho for a funeral.  This picture was taken in April of 2009 it is 4 generations of the Adams girls.  That was the last time that I saw her, I know its sad but it is so hard to pack up everyone especially Jaren and all of his stuff and go somewhere he gets tired and ornery and so we just didn't have an opportunity to go up.



4 generations of Adams girls

The funeral was very good and it was nice to honor her.  She was a good lady and she was very good at her homemaking skills, to bad I didn't get some of those genes!!  The hardest part about the funeral was watching my grandpa saying good bye to his wife that he loved so much.  And him not knowing who anyone was.  Grandma Adams was 92 and her and my grandpa had been married for 72 1/2 years.  That is a really, really long time.  They were inseperable.  I know that Jaren and I will not have the privilege of being married for that long on this earth but I am so thankful for the knowledge I have that we will be together forever into eternity.  Goodbye Grandma Adams we love you and we will miss you!!

Christmas came and went and we had a really good Christmas.  Christmas eve we have a party at my moms house and my siblings and I rotate families my older brother Mat and his wife Becky and their cute kids had us for Christmas this year and he gave us the best present.  He used his points that he had saved up when he travels and was able to give us a 2 night stay at a hotel in Layton.  The kids reaction when they opened the present was really fun, they were already trying to decide what swimsuits and pajamas they were going to pack.  We went to Layton and stayed at the Townplace Suites and it was so nice and relaxing.  The kids got to go swimming in the pool and Jaren and I even got in the pool with them the first night and it was so fun it was almost like old times Jaren had energy and he was laughing with us and playing around in the pool with us it was so awesome.  We went to Layton Hills mall Friday and got to shop a little bit because we all had gift cards that we got to use.  We then went to see Alvin and the Chipmunks with my brother and his family and it was the cutest show we loved it, then we went to their house for dinner that night and ate together and played Wipeout on the Wii and laughed and just had a great time.  We even got to go to dinner on Thursday night to Red Robin I had a gift card for there from a while ago but it was walking distance from our hotel so we walked to the restaurant and ate.  We did not want to leave it was so nice.  But everything comes to an end I guess.  It was just what we needed somewhere to go that wasn't too far away in case something happened but far enough away that we felt like we got away from our everyday life.  It was very weird though to share a bed with Jaren again I haven't slept next to him for a couple months now and it was "crowded" now that I am used to having my own space when I sleep.  He did really well on our "vacation" and he really enjoyed himself.  So THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!! Mat and Becky for the awesome weekend we absolutely LOVED it!!!  That was the best way to say goodbye to 2011!! to bad we couldn't leave all the trials that will face us in 2012, but I was able to relax enough to fill my tank and be able to handle whatever awaits us in the coming months. 

So glad this week is over!!

This week did not seem like it was ever going to end.  It started out ok but Tuesday I had been going non stop and so I went to enrichment night to relax and Jaren called half way through to come home because he wasn't doing well at all, so I left and came home to make sure he was ok and he looked horrible his blood sugars were way high (above 600) and I had changed his insulin inset 3 times that day and it wasn't bringing his sugars down so I made him take a shot and I ran to the store to get some powerade zero to keep him hydrated and a neighbor had come over to check with us after enrichment and she called her husband to come and give him a blessing, after the blessing I knew things would get better but I also knew it was going to be a LONG night.  I made sure his sugars were going down before I let him go to bed and I made him sleep with me so I could watch them through the night, when we woke up in the morning they were 81 so I called to check him throughout the day and they went up and down all day.  I knew that night would affect the kids the rest of the week but I had no idea it would be as bad as it was, when I took the kids to school I went and talked to the teacher to let them know that we had a LONG night, they were very understanding and said they would keep and eye out.  Braxton tried to call home and make sure his dad was ok and Jaren won't answer the phone when I am not here so he freaked out and went into the bathroom and then told his teacher he had thrown up and needed to go home, so I had to go check him out, as soon as we got home he was fine.  RaKelle was home Tuesday with the stomach flu so I didn't want to leave him at school thinking that he threw up.  Thursday they all went to school and I thought everything was ok, and then they all came home from school and RaKelle had a total meltdown and started bawling so I asked her what happened at school and she was crying so bad that she couldn't talk for a minute she finally calmed down enough to tell me that since we hadn't had that much sleep she was so tired and in one of her classes she was stretching and some of the kids in her class were giving her a bad time about it and she said "mom, I can usually just ignore it and I just couldn't today I wanted to turn around and punch her" I asked her if she did hit her and she said no and then started crying again because she said that if she would have hit her she would have been in trouble by one of her favorite teachers and that made her upset.  I called her counselor at school and talked to her and she has set up a meeting with all of her teachers so that I can tell them all what she is going through so I don't have to tell them one at a time.

There has been some good that has come this week though.  Jaren qualified for a grant to help pay for some respite care, that will help out a LOT I am just so tired of falling through the cracks with everything I try to get help with.  This week should hopefully go a lot better and hopefully the kids will be able to calm down and get through the last couple weeks of school before Christmas break.

update on the Gordon House

So November has come and gone already, and I haven't written anything down for awhile.  Jaren completed his swallow therapy and it seems to have helped he isn't choking near as much as he used to be, the doctor had us come in and they did a nerve conductive test and it was sad to watch him go through that painful test.  They discovered that he has Peripheral Nueropathy in is hands, arms, legs, and feet she thinks it is from his diabetes so she told me to keep a closer eye on his sugars which is sometimes totally impossible but I guess I don't have a choice.  The week of Thanksgiving was a little bit stressful, RaKelle ended up with pink eye and while I was sitting at the doctor with her on Monday night Braxton called me freaking out because they came and took away Jaren's cane and his walker, since I wasn't home I don't know for sure who came and got it or why they came and took it they could have at least called to warn us they were coming, Thank goodness that my mom was willing to purchase a cane at Walgreens for him.  Thanks Mom!!  Tuesday Braxton came home from school and the whole soul of his shoe had come off and he has no other shoes, the kids also had a dental appt that day for their 6 month cleaning, I had to cancel RaKelle's because of the pink eye, Ashlyn has to have a new retainer with the two fake teeth in the front thanks to her accident and her mouth keeps growing and so the retainer has to be replaced every so often, they changed RaKelle's appt to Wednesday so I took her on Wednesday and they would like to get her started on Braces soon and her insurance will only pay $1000.00 so it looks like tax returns will go to braces! 

Thanksgiving day was really nice we had the feast at my moms house and both of my sisters and their spouses and kids were there and it was fun, then we went to our friends to hang out and play games and eat pie with them and it was so much fun.  Of course my mom and I and my sisters and dad all went Black Friday shopping I don't really buy a lot because I don't have a lot of money but it is a lot of fun to go hang out with them.  My sisters are crazy and they left at 11:00 Thanksgiving night and so by the time they met up with my mom and I they were starting to wear down but we still had a good time.  I didn't get up until 5 to go that morning.

I finally got Jaren upstairs to his own room where he doesn't have to walk up and down the stairs to go to bed, I know this might sound terrible but I am LOVING it I don't think I have slept this good in a long time.  Now instead of waking up everytime he moves or gets up or makes noises I don't wake up, he also sleeps much better upstairs I have put him in the room right above me so that I can still hear him if he needs me or gets up when he is not supposed to.  It was very wierd at first to sleep without him and kind of depressing just another sign that things are progressing and there is nothing I can do about it.  He hasn't had to take a nap hardly at all because he gets much better sleep now, by the night time he is worn out and he goes to bed when the kids all go to bed but that is ok for me!! The neighbors have been able to come over and check on him while I am at work so I don't have to take him to the daycare which is really nice. 

Ashlyn has been giving me real problems lately and I don't know what to do about it, I know she is trying to deal with a lot but she is so mean to me, one day she was really mad at me and told me that I suck because I never have money, I told her that I work very hard for what she has and she looked me right in the eye and said dad doesn't, I said "Ashlyn that is not fair you know he can't" and she said well maybe I should get a disease so that I don't have to do anything but sit home.  I was so hurt and upset that I locked myself in my room until I could calmly talk to her.  She has been a little better the last week and she hasn't even picked on Jaren because I told her if she stopped picking on him for a week she would earn an ice cream trip with just me! she has worked so hard to earn it.  We went to parent teacher conference and I found out that she has been faking sprained ankles at school to go down to the office with her friend who also has a fake sprained ankle I couldn't believe it, I told her that what if one day she actually did hurt her ankle and she needed to go call me or get some ice and they wouldn't let her because she has faked it so many times that they don't believe her anymore.  I think that she didn't think about that.

Braxton is doing so good in school.  The teacher said that he is a good helper and he is kind to everyone but that he is very chatty.  He is starting to have some anger issues, he gets mad so easy and freaks out and attacks his sisters, luckily he doesn't at school.  I still fight him sometimes to go to school but he is doing a lot better. 

RaKelle is doing really good in Jr. High she really likes it.  She is even keeping up with her school work.  She loves playing the piano and the flute and she is determined to play the flute and be in the choir next year.  She has joined the yearbook club so she is helping put the yearbook together for the school and she really likes that as well. 

Halloween brought up some questions

Last Monday as a family we carved pumpkins for family night, I let the kids pick out their own pumpkin and I let them carve them however they wanted they loved it, Jaren wanted to carve one too so the kids finished their's and then they each took turns and helped Jaren carve his.  I was sitting on the couch taking some pictures of them helping and Braxton came up to me and asked me a question that I didn't know what to say, he said "mom, since dad likes holidays so much and he likes when the family does things together on holidays, does that mean he is going to die on my birthday?" he then had huge tears about ready to fall but he kept it together and I told him, "no he will not die on your birthday we don't know when he will die but it WILL NOT be on your birthday" I think he has it in his mind because his birthday is April 8 and his next birthday is on Easter Sunday.  I was kind of caught off guard and I really didn't know how to respond to him but he seemed to be ok with the answer that I gave him.  He will be turning 8 and so he thinks that Jaren won't be able to baptize him so I have talked to him and told him that our Bishop has assured me that if someone has to get in the water with him to hold him up he WILL be able to baptize him. 

Jaren started swallow therapy and it seems to be helping somewhat, he has exercises that he has to do three times a day to help build up his tongue muscles.  They told me that they would like him to NOT use a straw because when he drinks with a straw it starts to go down the wrong tube, but it does come back up before he swallows it all so they said that was good, but they are worried about the aspiration pnuemonia, they have him on a diet of soft moist foods they say that will help him swallow the food easier.  He has a nerve conductive test on the 10th of November to find out how much damage all of the pain is doing to his muscles and nerves I didn't know if I wanted to put him through it but I think it will be good to have a baseline. 

I hope everyone has a Happy Halloween!!

Define Luxury

I am sure that there are many definitions of luxury, but my definition of luxury is probably a lot different than most, I would define luxury as going to bed at night and not having to worry if your spouse will wake up in the morning, taking a shower without ANY interuptions, sitting down for 5 minutes and not have to think about what I have to do next, or what will happen next, when is it my turn to enjoy things, I feel like I give up so much to provide for my family when do I get a minute to refuel so that I can keep going? I know this sounds wierd but to be honest I enjoy going to the doctor or dentist for myself because it gives me at least 30 minutes to be ALONE my doctor laughs at me when I come in by myself and he asks me where everyone is and I tell him at school or at home I am enjoying my break!!

This week I haven't had any dr. appts for myself but Jaren has had plenty, we had a swallow study done last Thursday and it was the coolest thing to watch, but they did notice some problems with his swallowing so we start swallow therapy on Friday to see if things will improve, they also told us to start thinking about a feeding tube, I got a little scared at first but then I thought about how much easier it would be to give him his medications.  He also had a evaluation for a wheelchair and to be honest the lady freaked me out a little, she told me I needed to make all of these changes to my house and that I needed to take some of my seats out of my car, I can't make changes to the house it doesn't belong to me, plus how will I pay for it? she is trying to get him a motorized wheelchair but I think that would be more work for me, I would be just fine with a manual one I called his doctor to have the prescription changed to a manual one because I can't make all those changes, if I took seats out of my car I wouldn't have anywhere to put my kids.  I feel like he really needs a wheelchair because he can hardly walk sometimes because the pain is so bad.  I don't know what to do for the pain anymore, I am having a hard time watching him go through so much pain.  We are working on getting a bed moved to a room upstairs so that he doesn't have to climb up or down stairs, Ashlyn is giving up her room so that he can have a room and I am staying downstairs in the master bedroom for now because I am being selfish and I want to be able to sleep for a couple nights without having to wake up at his every move, if the pain does get so he can handle it I hope he will be able to come back down but if not I will eventually move up there with him even though I like my room. 

Don't try this at home!!

Jaren has been in a LOT of pain this week he has had a hard time even getting out of bed.  I took him into the Neurologist this week and the doctor wants me to give him Aleve for 10 days until the gabapentin levels are back up.  I have to admit I am terrible with giving him meds when I get home from work in the afternoon so they think his levels are dropping I am not sure if that is what the deal is though Lortab isn't even touching the pain and the Aleve isn't doing anything either, he can't even walk.  It is hard to see him in so much pain.  I have been so busy this week with appts and parent teacher conference and work that I have only had time to be home long enough to give him some pain meds. 

The neurologist appt was on Tuesday at noon so I had to leave work a little early that day and when I got home I could smell something horrible so I asked him what the smell was and he said he had cooked an egg I said oh why does it smell so bad? he said the egg kind of blew up.  I walked into the kitchen and about died, he thought he could boil eggs in the microwave, well needless to say they blew up and blew the microwave door open and there was egg and egg shells EVERYWHERE.  He felt so bad, I just had to chuckle because I couldn't get mad at him, I told him he can no longer use any appliance while I am not home and he said ok I will try not too, I asked him if he was going to remember what happened and to never boil eggs in the microwave? and he said "probably not." at least he is honest!! When I finally had a minute to clean up the mess I had him help me so that he would realize what a huge mess it was.  We went to use the microwave and it turns on but does not cook anything so we have to switch it out.  So my advice to anyone reading this is: Don't try boiling eggs in the microwave, unless you want to clean up a mess, and not have a microwave anymore.