I miss the man I married!

I have been thinking a lot today about the things that I am missing out on with a disabled spouse.  I love him but it is a different love.  It is very hard to know that when you are having a conversation with your spouse and you know he will not remember a word you talked about after the conversation is complete.  I miss telling him everything, we used to laugh and talk about everything, now I say things to him and it just upsets him I have to really be careful with what I tell him.  I know I sound like a baby but somedays are harder than others.  I can talk to him and tell him how good the kids were at something that day and he just looks at me and says oh wow! and then I can say the exact same thing 20 minutes later and I get the same exact response, sometimes he will tell the kids good job but sometimes he has a hard time knowing what to say to them. 

Have you ever had a conversation with someone over and over and over again? They ask the same questions over and over again, it just get so overwhelming and hard to cope with some days.  He has his good days and still we talk about the same things.  I miss being able to stay awake at night and laugh at things that we did that day that were so stupid that it makes us laugh, and laugh, and laugh, until we finally laugh ourselves to sleep.  I even miss fighting the way we use to fight, we don't fight about money anymore because he has no clue how much money we have how many bills we have and how much I make at work, now we fight about not doing things that will hurt him or doing things that will hurt the kids and why he is cooking something that shouldn't be cooked.  I know this sounds dumb but I want to be a newlywed again and fight over stupid things like money, and the dishes, and who is going to put gas in the car.  Sometimes I feel lonely and he lives here with me.  I can't take anything for granted anymore, every memory and everything we do together even though it isn't the same we still have to remember them and treasure those memories FOREVER.  Just remember when you are getting upset with your spouse about something, or you are fighting and you can't stand them, remember that someday you will wish you could be fighting about that again because you never know what tomorrow will bring.