Please, I need some motivation

I have no motivation lately, I went to the Dr. the other day for the major anxiety I have been having and he added 2.5mg of Zyprexa to my other medication I have taken it for two nights now and the first night I could not get out of bed all of the kids were late for school but not by much, I slept right through my alarm.  Today I was able to get up but I didn't want to, I need some motivation I don't feel like doing anything at all especially when I get home from work, I don't even want to cook dinner I feel bad because I get really irritated with the kids and I try not to get ornery but sometimes I just can't help it, I went to play volleyball last night with the women in my ward to see if I just needed a break but I still didn't feel any better I just wanted to go home and do nothing.  I didn't really realize what panic attacks were until I went to the Dr. and I am having panic attacks, I can't breathe my heart starts racing, I get dizzy, and shaky and I always feel on edge lately, I sometimes have high blood pressure and normally I can control it without medication although I have been on meds before for it but it was sky high the other day 152/100 the dr said that high blood pressure is another sign of anxiety, the problem is though is I have no idea why I am so anxious I have never had it this bad before, I was even crying the other day at work secretly and not bad enough that my eyes were swollen and red but I had tears in my eyes.  What is the deal? it could be a number of things- 1) My husband is slowly dying, 2)Braxton fights me to go to school, 3) I am a married but not really, 4) I started work a couple of weeks ago, 5)my kids are all growing up and I can't stop it, 6) my blood pressure is high 7)I can't keep up on house work, 8) I have no motivation to do anything lately, 9)I JUST CAN'T DO IT ALL anymore I am tired and worn out.  Hopefully this weekend will help me find the motivation fairy and I will be back on track again next week, I have a girls night planned tonight with some friends from the insurance office I used to work for and nothing else planned this whole weekend and we only have one soccer game to go to and one piano federation to go to but they are in the morning so I can actually get some things done and caught up.  If anyone knows where the motivation fairy is staying could you please send it my way?

Back in School.......Jaren's Bday

The kids finally went back to school and so far they like it when they get there but Braxton has been freaking out everyday before school, I can't handle the crying every morning and the fake sick and lies about why he doesn't want to go to school, I went in to the school yesterday and talked with the counselor and told her that I can NOT take the hassle of getting him to go to school whatever she said to him worked yesterday because he went to school today WITHOUT a fight at all!! yeah!! Ashlyn has been doing pretty well she likes her teacher and she has lots of friends in her class, but she comes home and throws fits so I have one crying all morning and one crying all afternoon after school.  My anxiety level is so high I can't even stand it, I try to take time to calm down but then I think of all the other things I have to get done that I can't relax.  I have a hard time keeping up with work and homework and kids and caregiving and trying keep family as normal as possible in our situation and keeping up with housework and taking the kids to soccer, and feeding all of us I just can't do it all, I am trying my hardest to keep us all going but my mind races 100 miles an hour and then just when I think I can take a break I look around and see a million other things I have to get done.  I am a little bit of a downer today but I really can't be positive when I am feeling this way.

I will try to get a little happier now Jaren celebrated his 37th birthday and I can't believe another year has gone by, he didn't want a party this year because it causes to much anxiety for him and he gets ornery he wanted to just hang out with his friend Noel so we went to dinner with them and their daughter and with our kids and it was delicious, we splurged and went to The Old Spaghetti Factory because the two younger kids had a free kids meal from school! after dinner we came back to our house and had German Chocolate cake that is his favorite kind.  I am so thankful that he has made it another year we have had many, many, many, many new challenges since his last bday but we made it through.  We were able to just enjoy the day with some good friends and family. 

RaKelle loves middle school.  She went to her first school dance and she loved it I thought for sure she would come home and say that she was never going to go back but she came home and said that she was definantly going again next year.  I asked her if she slow danced with anyone and she looked and me with the most disgusting face and said "eeeewwww no that is gross" so I don't have to worry about boys with her yet one less stress for now!! she is doing so good in all of her classes they print out her grades every week and they have what they call pride time and if their grades are all above a C they get to do a fun activity, if they have any C's or lower they have to go to a classroom and make up all their missing work, she has not had anything below and A- and she only got 1 A- the rest are A's I am so proud of her she is doing so well.  I never have to fight her to go to school which is really nice.

Doctor follow-up.....Dog????? and school starts

I took Jaren in for a follow-up appointment today with Dr. Richards and it went pretty well, he is not losing weight so he isn't worried about him not eating at this point.  He did say though that he is worried about him being home while I am at work, he told me that we need to get a dog even if it is just for a companion for Jaren so he doesn't get lonely, which is not a bad idea but I don't know if I want to care for a dog at the Gordon house we can barely keep track of the humans here, the kids were so excited they couldn't stand it.  He also told me that he would write a perscription for it, I guess he really wants us to have a dog, so now we have to get it approved with our landlord and then start looking, where do I find a dog that is well behaved and will keep Jaren company while I am at work, they have dogs that detect low and high blood sugar which would be perfect for him but that could take many months to get approved with everything that has to be approved.  I am just worried about what it takes to care for a dog. 

School starts on Monday and I am so ready for it to start, the fighting is getting annoying.  RaKelle will be in middle school (I can't believe how fast they grow) and she actually went to school yesterday for a few hours they allow 7th graders to go before school starts and go to all of their classes and they have an assembly and prizes before the 8th and 9th graders come, she has been so ornery I am ready to rip my hair out, she is sassy to me about everything and she yells at anyone that is making her upset, next week should be really fun when she is overwhelmed with school starting and exhausted, I CAN'T WAIT (not)! I did go talk with her counselor at school to let her know of our situation and she was very understanding and told me that she would call her in to her office and talk with her and let her know that if she ever just needs to talk even if it is in the middle of a class her door is always open. 

Ashlyn will be in the 5th grade and she is very excited.  We went and met with her counselor last week and came up with some plans that will allow her to feel comfortable going to school and not worrying about her dad at home, he told me that it would be appropriate for her to be able to call home and check on him when she can't stop thinking about things but he also told her that if she abused that privilege and called to much she would have to lose it.  I think this will help her not be so crabby about going to school and I won't have to fight with her anymore to go.  She has Mr. Patrick this year and she is really excited because he was her teachers friend from last year.  I hope she will do well this year and she will enjoy school.

Braxton starts 2nd grade, I can't believe he is my baby, his teacher is Mrs. Selk and she sent him a postcard the other day and he carried it around with him for the rest of the day, he loved it.  I hope that he will be able to go to school and not worry to much about Jaren, he hasn't seemed to have the problems with going to school like Ashlyn has.  Before I know it he will be going away to college!! I am not ready for my baby to be all grown up. 

She made it

RaKelle made it the ENTIRE week at Brighton Girls camp, she was able to call home every night and I think that helped her a lot.  Tuesday when she called she was in tears and it took all I had to not say I will come get you right now, but she made it! she was so proud of herself and I was too.  She has informed me that she is not going next year but we will see what the year brings she might change her mind.  It helped Jaren that she was able to call home he about drove me nuts, he missed her horribly and wanted to go get her everyday I had to stand next to him while he talked to her on the phone so he didn't say anything about her coming home, by Friday he was going crazy he had been really ornery the whole week because he missed her, he was extra clingy to me because he didn't know what else to do.  The first thing he told her when she came home was you can never leave me again its to hard, by Wednesday I was ready to hurt him because he kept asking when she would be home and he wasn't very nice.  I didn't even think about how hard it was going to be for him I knew it was going to be hard on her and the other two didn't like her being gone either but that didn't stop them from fighting they fought the whole week, I didn't get to sleep through a night because they were missing her they would cry for no reason and they didn't like her being gone.  When she got home we went to the fabric store and she was able to pick out some fabric for a quilt that sis. Buchanan was making for her because she made it the whole week she chose butterflies because that is the symbol of MLD and she wants everything to be butterflies lately we were invited to the Buchanans house for family home evening last night and we were able to tie the quilt with her and she finished it while we were there so she got to sleep with a new quilt last night.  Jaren was also having a hard time because she was camping and he loves camping, and before she left we found out that some family went camping and didn't include us and his feelings were hurt and he was very upset, that is one thing that he can still do is go camping he enjoys the mountains and fishing not so much hiking anymore but he can still do some things. 

Jaren is still not eating he is eating better but not what he usually does, I am thinking it is just part of the disease and that it will never go away which will help out with the food budget!! He seems to be satisfied when he does eat so I guess I can't really worry to much.  He is very nauseas it seems all the time and he has had some severe migraines lately, I have medication that helps with the nausea but it makes him so sleepy that all he will do is sleep if the nausea is really bad I do give him some I would rather have him sleep then be throwing up all over the place.  He still wants to be playing nintendo ALL day long which most of the time is ok but he won't do his chores and then he gets ornery and yells at the kids and he can't stand when things are out of place I always have to say don't worry about it just leave it alone we will take care of it when we are finished with whatever we are doing.  He is very critical of the kids when they do chores he tells them all of the things they didn't do instead of thanking them for actually doing the chore, I have to remind him that at least they are doing something and they will get to the other things when they can, I guess they just don't do it fast enough for him or his way.  He is very hard to live with sometimes, he likes to ruin a lot of the fun he doesn't like to do anything and he gets irritated when we like to do it without him, sometimes I just make him come he doesn't always like it and then sometimes I wish I wouldn't have brought him but I don't have a choice all the time to allow him to stay home by himself because he physically and mentally can't do it.

The kids start school on August 29 and I am excited maybe the fighting will slow down a little, I also start working on that day and I am hoping that Jaren will adjust well to the new schedule AGAIN.  He just doesn't understand what keeps happening I think it is frustrating to him but now with school back in the schedule should stay the same.  I am probably going to have to take him to the daycare a couple times a week so I don't have to worry about what he is doing or not doing.  I am so grateful for the job that I have that I am able to check on him if I need to and that they are so understanding of my situation and I am so blessed to have the boss that I have she is amazing.  I am grateful for the wonderful people that I work with that care about me so much that they ask questions and try to help wherever they can.  I don't know where we will be from one day to the next everything is so unpredictable but I hope and pray that he will stay healthy enough to stay at home with us as long as I can care for him and he doesn't hurt any of us.  I have been very blessed with amazing friends that help me through some tough times.  I am thankful for the support that my family gives and for the opportunities they include us in on and their willingness to help out. 

getting RaKelle ready for camp

This week has been crazy.  I am trying to get RaKelle ready for beehive camp and I am having a hard time she wants to go so bad she saved her own money to go, BUT she can't have sleepovers, we have tried so many times and she calls in the middle of the night in tears to come and get her, she has been so excited but Jaren hasn't been doing very well the last few weeks.  I talked with the bishop and the young womens president and the bishop are trying to get it approved to allow RaKelle to call home from camp once a day to make sure that her dad is not dying while she is at camp and that we are doing fine and she needs to enjoy herself.  I can't imagine what it must feel like for the kids to go somewhere even if it is familiar and not know if there dad will be here when they get back, that has got to be the worst feeling in the world.  I try to understand what they are feeling, but this one is a hard one.

I went back to work for a few weeks, and now I am off again for 2 weeks then I go back again.  He is just getting used to the new schedule with the kids being gone while I am at work and then I am off again so I hope he can adjust again when I start working again, the next time will be more permanent though so he should be ok.  I am getting worried, he is not eating, which makes his blood sugars bottom out and he is also struggling with using the bathroom, we went with some friends and she told me that Jaren looked horrible and that I should probably take him to see a doctor.  I took him in and they can't figure out why he isn't urinating he is still drinking the same, and they don't know why he won't eat.  He says he just isn't hungry.  The doctor treated him for a prostate infection and put him on prilosec for acid reflux to see if that helps, so the medicine count goes up for awhile until they figure out what else to do.  I have to take him back in 2 weeks for a follow up to see if he is doing any better.  He seems to be really down lately as well I don't know what to do for him though because he can't tell me what is wrong and why he is so down and quiet.

My friend and I were in need of a big break so we thought about what we could do with our spouses so that we could get some time to visit alone, so last Saturday we took Jaren and Noel to the movie got them tickets and our girls wanted to go to a movie so they walked their dads into their movie got them in there seats and went to their movie and my friend and I went to dinner ALL ALONE, it was the nicest night we have had in a long, long time.  Her brother is so good about being so willing to keep and eye on the two of them but it is hard to keep track of them together, they really like being together and they have a lot of fun together but sometimes WE need a break from both of them and we like to do things together so that we can talk about the struggles we are going through.  I am so grateful that Amy and I were able to meet and get to know each other it is so nice to have a shoulder to cry on that knows exactly how I am feeling, we have a lot of fun together.

back to work.........yeah, relief

I am back to work and I can't tell you how excited I was to go back to work to get away from the house for a few hours a day.  I am only back for a couple weeks and then I am off again until after the new school year starts.  I am very thankful though because at the end of the school year I didn't know if I would have a job in the fall and last week I found out that I will, what a HUGE relief for me what an answer to my prayers that day.  Jaren has been really down this week so I am trying to be happy and upbeat for him but I am so NOT in the mood to be happy, I am done with being let down and done with people talking behind my back.  I know people talk and I know sometimes some people don't like what I do or some of the decisions I make for my family and sometimes they are frustrated with me but maybe they should trade me places and see how they like it I guarantee they will change their mind after living in my shoes for 2 hours or less.  Not to mention I DON'T have time for drama.  I work my butt off to take care of Jaren and the kids and a lot of times I get left on the back burner, and sometimes the kids don't get what they want but we deal with it and sometimes I don't have a choice.  A haircut every once in awhile is soooooooo worth it even if I don't really have the money sometimes you just feel sooo much better when you look nice and your hair is done. 

I knew that since I wasn't working in the summer that I wouldn't be getting paid so I took my last paycheck and paid off my CAR, I can't tell you what a relief that is to me knowing that my car won't get towed in the middle of the night because I was behind on payments or that I don't have another car payment but of course when you pay off a car it starts to have problems so of course the minute I sent the check my spark plugs went out on me, I don't have air conditioning, and my window only rolls up and down sometimes, so when someone asked me the other day if I felt like I was getting a raise with no car payment, NO I DO NOT, I am not getting paid for 3 months and I have to pay to get it fixed.  I really am just done with everything in life right now so I am taking a sleeping pill (which means the anxiety is very bad today because I never take pills to help me sleep because every time I do we end up in the hospital because I don't care about things in the middle of the night)  and going to bed so that I can hopefully feel refreshed tomorrow and be able to be happy again for my kids, they are really the ones that suffer when I am not in the mood to put up with things.  I try my hardest to put on a happy face for them but sometimes I just can't do it. 

how much more.......

I am so done with fighting, how much more fighting do I have to take before I totally lose my patience? I am getting to the point where I can't take much more before I freak out.  I made them ALL go to bed early tonight because today has been nonstop fighting.  Jaren doesn't think he has to help with anything at all and he has been downstairs in his bedroom playing nintendo of course ALL DAY so I have had to deal with the fighting and whining alone, I know he can't do much to help anyway, but it would be nice for him to at least be upstairs with me and back me up when I can't take anymore.  It was nice to not have Jaren involved in the fighting because usually he IS involved he is usually the one that starts it.  I am not sure how much more I can take before I go to work again next week for a couple weeks, I don't know if I am going to be able to leave the kids home together, but I know for a fact that I can't leave the kids and Jaren home together.  I am not sure what is going on with the kids but they can't seem to get along at all.   I haven't taken him back to the daycare lately because I can't afford it but I have taken the kids to a sports activity at the local rec center to get some of their energy out and it seemed to help for 1 day.  I wish I could do that more for the kids they get to swim and meet new friends but I just can't do it that often because it gets pricey and I have not had any work since June 1st.  I go back on July 26th for summer school for 2 weeks and then I am off again for another couple weeks, we have made it work and we have been able to get the things that we need and hope that we can continue to be blessed with the things that we need.

His swallowing is getting worse I think it takes him forever to eat anything lately, he can't eat spicy food anymore his mouth and stomach can't take it.  The other day I caught him with his insulin pump off and his shirt off I asked him why his pump was off and why his shirt was off and he just shrugged his shoulders and said he didn't know, I said why is you pump off? he said I felt good today I thought I wasn't a diabetic anymore, I asked him then why his shirt was off and he said I really can't explain that one.  I told him that diabetes doesn't work that way it doesn't just go away for one day and he needs to keep that on, it could kill him if he left it off and I hadn't have seen it off.