Reflections

I have had a lot of time to think about things these last couple weeks. We had the opportunity to go on vacation up to Washington State to see my brother and his family. I have been thinking a lot about how hard it is to travel with Jaren when we are home the neighbors can come and take him out or I can go with someone even if it is only for an hour but when you go on vacation I was with him 24/7 with no breaks it got overwhelming, we took a trip to Seattle for a day and it stressed me out big time. First of all there were a ton of people at the market place and on top of that I didn't want to lose Jaren or the kids it was stressful but very fun a lot of cool shops that sell things their fruit there is AMAZING. Washington is a very pretty state very green. They live on a navy town in Washington and was walking distance to the ocean it was so cool seashells everywhere. We were able to walk down to the ocean on the 4th of July and see all of the fireworks, it was cool to see them over the ocean water.

My brother and his wife went through the LDS temple for the first time and all of the members of my family that were able to be there came and it was really fun, they also had some long time friends that traveled up to Washington to be with them on their very special day. They were also able to be sealed together for eternity to each other and to their adorable children. I did a lot of thinking while we were at the temple, I was wishing that I went to the temple more with Jaren because now he isn't able to go and I have to go by myself it was kind of difficult to see the others being able to enjoy the company of their spouse in the temple. I also had time to think about what it means to me that Jaren and I were sealed when we were married so we will be together for eternity and whatever happens to him I know that I will see him again. In Utah we take for granted the fact that we can walk to church and be there in 5 minutes, or 5 minutes driving to the temple. In Washington we had to drive an hour and 30 minutes to get to the temple and 30 minutes to even get to a church house.

I am so grateful for the opportunity that we had to go see them. I miss them a lot. I am so grateful that we were able to stay at their house with them and everything that they helped us with while we were there, and to my awesome parents that let us ride with them so we didn't have to spend all our money on gas! Thanks mom and Dad.

I enjoyed seeing my little brother and his wife and how much they have grown since they have had to live away from family and friends. Their little boys are growing so much and they are learning a lot. It is really amazing to see how much they have grown spiritually since they have been away. I hope we will get to go back some day to see them again.

I also thought it was really cool to be so close to military base around the 4th of July, and how appreciative people are for the wifes of military men for allowing their husbands to go out and be gone for months at a time to fight for our freedoms, and how patriotic the city was, and how thankful they were for the men and women that fight for our country.

Beginning of Summer

Yay!! school is finally out for the summer. I love having the kids home for the summer, plus it is one less thing I have to do during the day when they are out of school. I love being home with the kids in the summer this is the first summer I have actually spent it at home, before I was working at the insurance agency I was always crossing so I was never really home, I LOVE IT!!!! The kids have been so helpful we are able to actually get the house organized we have been doing a project a day and it doesn't feel so overwhelming. We are planning a trip to Washington at the end of this month to see my brother and his family they are going through the LDS temple it will be so nice.

We have a busy week ahead of us, tomorrow RaKelle has to have 2 teeth pulled and then Friday we have another appointment with Jaren's neurologist, I have a list ready to take with me for all of my many questions, including what the reasoning is behind not letting him start Alzheimers meds. He has been having a hard week also so I am glad he is going in on Friday, some days he is so on and he knows everything and somedays he has no clue what is going on. Today I asked him what day it was and he had no idea, I also asked him what year it was and he also had no clue, somedays are hard to see him like that he will ask questions sometimes that make no sense or say off the wall things and I will look at him and say do you know what you just said and he says "NO" did I say something. Another thing that has been driving me crazy is he is deathly afraid of spiders and it was never a problem before he makes one of us be downstairs with him because he is so afraid of them he wants someone to be there so that they can kill it. He woke up in the middle of the night one night and jumped out of bed and said why do spiders always have to be in my bed? I sat up and there was a little tiny tiny spider crawling it was smaller than an ant, needless to say I didn't sleep a whole lot that night because he was so worried about spiders. Some nights he sleeps well and doesn't wake at all some nights he is up every hour. He also has little ticks that he does, like bite his teeth, clearing his throat, and now he does this little noise thing I haven't figured out yet how else to explain it, it isn't like a moan but it is very disturbing especially when you are sleeping! I will update after we make a visit to the neurologist and hopefully we may get some kind of answers to some of my many questions.

Emotional breakdown

Our oldest daughter RaKelle had an emotional breakdown the other night and I was so glad that she opened up to me and talked to me about it. She wrote a composition for a piano recital that she had a few weeks ago and called it "Sweet Heaven" her teacher saved it on a thumb drive and played it on an electric piano it was beautiful, she has been taking piano since October and I am amazed at how fast she has learned. Anyway I found her in her bedroom crying and I asked her what was wrong and she threw herself in my arms and started crying saying she didn't know why, I asked her if she wanted to go somewhere private and talk and she said "yes" I was a little shocked she does not open up to me very often. She said she was thinking about the song she wrote and she told me that the song was written for Jaren and she just started thinking how hard it will be when he passes on, she asked why does it hurt so bad and it feels like I will have a hole in my heart forever. I told her you will have a hole in your heart and it will never get filled and nobody will ever take her father's place and the hurt will get better with time but we don't know how long it will take. I went with a friend the other night and she stated that we will be surprised at how much we have already grieved but it will not make it easier we just might be ok faster than someone that passes suddenly. Thanks to wonderful friends that help me through rough times.

Ashlyn's letter

Ashlyn's letter needs a little bit of background before I type hers. Ashlyn is 9 she has been having these horrible nightmares one was about her riding her bike and her dad was standing on the sidewalk and she ran over him on her bike and it killed him, and he letter states some things about that and I didn't want people to get the wrong intentions. She also picks on Jaren and they fight constantly.

To Dad.
I love you dad I hope you will never die because I love you a lot, I never want to kell you please don't heart(hurt) me if you don't I won't heart (hurt) you because I love you a lot I never want to kill you if you die all (I'll) be sad please write back on the next page
Love Ashlyn

They are loving this letter writing memory book, they keep saying we can have these letters forever huh mom? I am so glad they have an opporunity to share their feelings on paper and be able to get a letter back from their dad while he is still capable of writing his feelings down.